Lullaby

Writing helps me process things and really clear my head. Hints why I have a blog. It's not so much about how many people or who reads it, but more for my reflection. 

This post has been one in the making for just about 2 months now. Though most of the time I can just sit down and type away -- all thoughts, emotions, responses, opinions... this one is just not the same. 

Though I want to try and hide, or tuck this tragedy away... it's there around most corners for me to stare in the face. 

So with aching in my heart and tears in my eyes -- Our very first baby died. 

The sorrow and grief that has come through the loss of our baby has been more than we've ever experienced. It's just not the way it's supposed to be. We should be finding out whether it's a boy or girl and addressing our child by their name. I should be buying bigger clothes because my body is growing and nourishing our first born. I should feel our baby moving inside me. I should look at other babies in fondness knowing ours will be here before we know it. But that's not our story and that's not the story of our first child. 

So to our child who is being cradled in Jesus' arms -- this letter is for you. This is your story for the brief time that we had you. 

Dear tutes,

How your daddy and I came up with that name, I don't even know. We just started calling you tutes and it stuck. 

In the beginning of September I went in for an ultrasound -- not because I thought we were pregnant, but because I thought something was wrong. Your daddy came with me because I'm just not very brave and your daddy gives me courage. 

And as I sat there with anxiety about what the nurse would say, she looked at me and told me "You're pregnant". She ran and got your daddy and we saw you on the screen for the first time. We cried because we were filled with so much joy! Secretly I had been praying this would be the news we would hear. We loved you from the very beginning. 

Two weeks later we saw you again and you had grown... absolutely incredible. You were making me sick through out the day. I actually threw up in the middle of a playground because I didn't expect sickness to be so sudden.

We told your grandparents and they cried with tears of joy as well. They called or texted almost every day to see how you were doing. I loved that family rallied behind you and anticipated who you were from the very beginning. 

We waited 6 more weeks to see you again because unfortunately it was expensive for us to see you on the screen. The day before thanksgiving break we called in for an earlier appointment because I couldn't wait to see you again! We were going to see Uncle Andrew and Aunt Kelly and couldn't wait to tell them and all our other friends and family about you. 

That appointment at 12 weeks was when we found out you had gone to see Jesus. Your daddy and I cried like we never have before. We loved you, hoped for you, dreamed for you, prayed for you and now we were grieving losing you. 

So two months later mommy and daddy still miss you more than words can express. I think about you at random times and wish things were different. I can't wait until your daddy and I get to see you in heaven. I can't wait to see what you look like and to hear you giggle. I can't wait to wrap my arms around you and kiss your little forehead. 

We miss you Tutes and we love you. You've changed mommy and daddy and we will never forget you. 

Love,

Mommy

This song by Andrew Peterson comforts me. Though it reminds me of sadness it also brings hope. 

Lullaby

Well, I haven't got a lot to offer 
Just a rhyme and a melody 
But I promised I'd write if it took all night 
A lullaby for thee 

CHORUS 
They say there ain't no sleeping in heaven 
Baby, that don't mean that you can't dream 
So when you close your eyes 
Know your mother and I 
Pray the Lord your soul to keep 
And we never got the chance to hold you 
And we never got to tell you goodnight 
So we hope you can hear as Jesus cradles you near 
Baby, this is your lullaby 

So are you running with the angels? 
Are you singing with the saints? 
Are you throwing a ball against a heavenly wall 
Maybe swinging on the pearly gates? 

Well there's so much love between us 
And so much that I wanna say 
I wanna ramble awhile with my beautiful child 
Baby, I can hardly wait...

We planned on sending out announcements right after thanksgiving so my sweet friend Cat took these pictures for us. We were beaming with joy! 

I made that banner all by myself and some day it will be in our nursery. 

Cam's mom bought us this cute onesie with little duck feet -- I love it!

Those last three pictures are very special to me -- the ones with just me and Cam. He's my best friend and we've held on to each other through this loss. I know one day he'll be the best daddy in the world. I can't wait to hold a child that looks and acts just like him. I can only pray we have children with his heart.

US Marshal

I have plenty of crazy days being a nanny, but today was particularly Strange (with a capital S).

Today started off with these little munchkins being home with fevers. This means we sit around all day in our pjs, watch tv, read books, and color. Relaxing for the most part, but definitely boring after a few hours.

So as I sit there feeling sorry for myself because I'm stuck inside I catch a glimpse of movement out the front window.

From here on we'll use bullet points because I get really into telling this story
- 10 Police officers surrounding the house across the street
- All officers have bullet proof vest and guns strapped to their legs
- Officers are knocking and looking into the house directly across the street
- I call Cam... he says call if anything happens
- I call Amy... same response
- Officers look over and see me looking at them
- 2 officers jog over to the house
- I freak out because they caught me snooping
- They knock and welcome themselves in
- They introduce themselves as US MARSHALS!
- They assure me its nothing to worry about -- then proceed to ask about the neighbor
- I claim I'm a nanny and they ask me to call Amy
- They talk to Amy and then leave a card with their #'s and leave
- 10 minutes later they're no where to be found

.... later that day Amy comes home.
Explanation: missed court date and fraud paperwork.
Dream on... I will update when the real story emerges.

A History

This weekend was incredibly relaxing and probably on the lazy side if I'm honest. We celebrated Cam, then our festive/celebratory attitudes carried on through out the week. Which was okay because I only worked on Thursday. (Whoo hoo for time off!)

As I was doing little things around the house like emptying our suitcases, cleaning up the living room, and making liquid soap from Pinterest -- I stumbled upon our "History" wall. And by that I mean I took the time to look at the wall and reflect upon our history as Team Smith.

The perfectionist in me immediately looks at this wall and says "it's not what I intended it to be". Funny life lessons to be learned in statements like that. Once I was able to step back and really look at our wall I was overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions. There are such incredible joys on that wall -- celebrations like 6 months of healing in counseling, Passing RUF assessment, being a part of great friend's lives, and so forth. There are also sorrows and suffering we have faced in less than two short years. These are big parts of our history thus far and I love visual reminders of it. Does it look like a 5 year old made it... yes. Does it have less notes on it than I want... yes. But it's ours and I love seeing how the Lord has and continues to work in our lives. He's healing, redeeming, rejoicing, celebrating, singing, laughing, crying, creating.... so many things over in our lives! Not perfect, but beautiful!

I also played around with my camera some. The lady who owns the house we live in, Peasy, gave us these beautiful flowers and I wanted to take advantage of using the flower setting on our camera.

Look at the detail... they're beautiful. I love that our camera can now captures the uniqueness and intricate details of these flowers. 

We were also given a beautiful orchid. Let me also take the time to say I'm terrible with plants. Actually, I just think I'm terrible with plants so I either don't have them or don't pay attention to them because I'm scared of investing in them and they still die. Plenty to be counseled about in the last sentence...

And finally the highlight of our Sunday afternoons -- PIZZA! This was our best pizza yet so I had to take another picture.

New year and another birthday

27th Birthday

I love celebrating Cam. In fact it's one of my favorite things to do, but he is resistant to it. But... every year on his birthday he is required to put those celebration walls down :). Last year we went to Nashville with our best friends from St. Louis and counted down with tons of people downtown. The year before we explored Minneapolis and went ice skating (along with U2 tickets we never got to use :\).

Keatings, Smiths, Kornegays

This year we spent it with two couples who are close friends here in the STL. We've become slightly sentimental about friends here knowing our time here is coming to an end. We ate good food, blew out some candles on the annual cookie cake, and played a ridiculously addictive and detailed game. (pandemic I think is the name)

Kyle and Christy Keating

The candles we used because I left ours at the store

This year we celebrated twice so I could take Cam out to dinner all by myself :)

Happy Birthday, my wonderful husband. Here's to celebrating you every day of our lives.

My favorite present

This year I received incredible Christmas presents. As I've already mentioned, we got a camera! Yay!

My other present that I must brag about came from my husband. Back in November, Cam and I visited Andrew and Kelly in Blacksburg, VA. One day we traveled to this cute little town with a country store as the main attraction. And there it was... the most unique, beautiful, precious nativity scene I've ever seen. I wanted it with everything inside of me, but knowing the "right" answers I suggested we buy it for Cam's mom for Christmas. Thirty minutes later we came back to buy it and it was gone! How could it be gone?! My heart broke a little -- one knowing I would never have it and two knowing I wouldn't even be able to gift it.

Fast forward to Christmas morning as I open my present from Cam. My NATIVITY SCENE!!!! I couldn't contain my excitement and joy -- I lept into Cam's arms!

I love that it's unique. Hand crafted, hand painted -- the one and only!

 I've decided my favorite piece is Joesph. I'm not sure why yet, but I love him.

 Maybe it's his rosy cheeks and pudgy belly?

 The three wise men are a close second

Cam pointed out that they look like the Jesus Storybook illustrations. Maybe that's why I love them so much.

A new camera for Christmas!

This Christmas has been special to Cam and me in so many ways! The most special part by far was having both of our families together for a short period of time. My mama drove all the way from Connecticut to step out of her comfort zone, to spend time with us and Cam's family. I LOVED it!

We celebrated Christmas with mama a couple days early. This year we bought her the Willow Tree nativity scene. I knew she would really like it, but had no idea she would respond with such humble gratefulness. She was honored and couldn't believe someone would say she should get a gift like that. Little did I know, two minutes later I responded the exact same way. Mama bought us an incredible Canon rebel. I started sobbing. There is nothing Cam and I have done nor are we at a point in our lives where I could ever say we deserve such a gift. I was overwhelmed with emotion and cried from being so honored. Thanks mom for a gift that will capture memories our entire life!

So here are the first of many pictures to come... and hopefully a push in my blogging life.

 

The first portrait

 

Cam and Andrew at Otto's (a local brewery)

 

Mama

 I was just a second too late to capture the beer mixing, but still a cool picture!

 I will frame this in our house somewhere

 Our niece Baylie celebrated her 7th birthday with us!

 She loved getting her picture taken

Smith Family 2012

 Love this picture

 Our Christmas Eve tradition continued. This year we bought pjs for everyone to join -- I bought matching ones so no one would like someone else's better

 The girls

 Love this picture of them

 A white Christmas this year! I have never seen it snow this much -- the yard was beautiful!

 My partner in crime, Kelly. Having a sister has been a ton of fun!

Andrew and Kelly

A different season...

Though I am not quite ready to tell the world of our story, this season has been different.

This season has been full of sorrow and tears -- a season of confusion, anger, hopelessness, doubt...

Cam and I have been taking a class at the seminary every Tuesday night. The class is on marriage and family counseling in the Church. This past Tuesday was the final night of class. Dr. Zink was humble, vulnerable, empowering, sensitive, and loving. Traits few men have even at his age of 60.

The class was on hope. A topic that I want to avoid like the plague right now. Not because I don't want hope, but because hope is hard in this season.

A few points
- Hope is not passive (though our culture piles plenty of that on our plates)
- Hope is active (huh?)
- Hope is rightly displayed in scripture (duh)
- Hope takes faith and trust, not in myself but in a good God of promises

And even now writing those words good God tears fill my eyes. Oh how I know this and how I want to feel this again -- it takes time.

You see as children of our God we hope actively by trusting and resting in faithful promises. We serve and love a God of promises. A God who has never broken those promises to a broken and unthankful people. A God who weeps beside us and says it was never supposed to be this way child. A God who is not passive as we tend to be, but is active in restoring our broken world.

So in this season I pray for hope, but not just passive hope. I pray for active hope. I pray for trust in a God who is trustworthy. I pray that I too would be like the many in scripture who hoped and waiting and trusted, because a seed of promise is growing. Growing takes time, growing takes nurture, growing take pruning -- that seed of promise will grow.