1 month

January 30th: marks a whole month of your life! It's funny how things like the fact that we're STILL figuring out your insurance makes me feel like you were just born. Yet looking at this pictures I feel like you've always been here. 

In the last two weeks you've really been alert during your whole 30-45 minutes of being awake. Any time someone wants to see you on skype we have to plan it perfectly other wise you're in bed before they even sign on.

This was also the last time you wore that cute 3 month cupcake outfit. You no longer fit into it -- I keep telling myself it's because their brand runs small.

Your dad, once again, is amazing with you. I'm not sure why I'm so surprised since he takes care of me so well -- I'm simply amazed that he comes home after a long day of work and a quick stop at the gym to change your diapers and feed you the rest of the night. Not to mention engage me so that the crazies stay at bay. This picture says it all though -- he has that energy and desire to care for you because he absolutely adores you.

Your first trip to church was two Sundays ago, but we forgot to take a picture so we took one this Sunday instead. This week your dad had us sit literally in the second pew -- I was convinced we were sitting ducks without an escape route for when you started wailing. You were silent the entire service!

I thought I would take some pictures of what you do through out the day -- I'm hoping this becomes more interesting as you get older. The reality is, after you eat, you're only awake for 10-15 minutes most of the time. And really all you do is lay there looking at things and listening either to me ramble or the music I have playing all day to break the silence. I'd love to have sweet pictures of you in your stroller, but we live in Pennsylvania Antarctica right now and I can't take you outside in -5 degree weather. Give it another 3 months and you may breath real oxygen for the first time in your life.

And finally I made you sit in another dress and bow to take pictures. Get use to it kiddo you're too stinking cute with that enormous bow :)

As I watched you during "tummy time" I couldn't help but flash to the first couple weeks with Fran. It made me giddy thinking of all the adventures we're going to have. You'll meet Fran in a few short months and I'm sure become the best of friends.

Your name means life, and if Fran's spunk has anything to do with me, you'll live up to your name.

What a champ holding her head up!

3 weeks

3 weeks and we're still alive -- a funny and sarcastic statement, but as well all know with sarcastic comments, it's not completely void of truth. Here's a little bit of Zoe's life I've captured this week.

Polka dots, baby jeggings, and a big yawn -- adorable

And now reality -- a bow she probably hates and screaming that makes me want to run and hide

Our first selfie together (well outside of me)

When she'll let me, we sit and read the Jesus Storybook Bible. I pretend it's just to teach her true things, but really I cry most of the time reading these great promises.

This past weekend friends and family came to visit. My initial reaction to 5 extra adults, a 3 month old, and 2 dogs was full of tired, overwhelming tears. I just felt like there are all these people coming to our house and I can't even keep it together during my regular day. Can I just tell you that it was such a great time! Sure, Zoe screamed and I cried, but our friends loved on us so well! I loved waking up to voices in our house, games being played, football being watched, food being made and eaten, and Zoe's first trip to church being surrounded by people who are dedicated to loving her and us. So thanks friends for coming and loving on us in the midst of my craziness. 

We went to visit Luke when he was Zoe's size. Crazy how much he's grown in just 3 months.

Andrew and Kelly spent a ton of time holding and playing with Zoe this weekend. She's lucky to have such a great Aunt and Uncle.

Friday morning before everyone came into town our friend Amber Roy came to take pictures of us and Zoe. Of course our willful child did not want to cooperate the ENTIRE 3 hours!!! I'm amazed that Amber still got some amazing shots that I will treasure forever. 

She had to ask Cam to squat down, but you can totally tell in this picture haha.

Zoe got her first bath this week after her stinking belly button finally fell off!! That thing grossed me out so much.

This morning (Wednesday) we started cloth diapers! I woke up to Cam confidently putting one right on her -- super dad I know!

She's finally starting to spend some time awake during the day! This morning we just listened to music and enjoyed a little vitamin D. 

Living or Surviving

Over the past couple years I've gained a very valuable tool -- awareness.

This may sound like a silly tool, but it's been one of my most frequently used tools over the past two years.

Awareness takes time, nurture, and patience -- it takes a mind set that says this is worth looking at because right now I'm not living, I'm surviving.

In full honesty and disclosure I am an anxious person -- rephrase: I struggle with anxiety. And my anxiety hits full throttle when things feel out of control. I start "surviving" instead of "living".

Recently we've added a new member to Team Smith... and as much as I love our darling little girl, she has kicked my survival instincts into full speed. Sure, there is grace to be had in that we have a newborn and all that she entails, but that does not mean I have to live in survival mode.

I recognized my anxiety/survival mode yesterday as I dwelt on the fact that Monday was looming, Cam would return to work, and I would be alone to care for our babe. How can a person of only 13 days be so terrifying?! The tears start to flow, I lose all confidence in my decision making, and I go into robot mode of control (reading multiple baby books, searching blogs, texting all my mom friends a million times, googling every worry or fear that pops into my head)

This morning, I finally broke. I laid in bed overwhelmed, watching the monitor with my sweet sleeping girl, recognizing I will never and have never been in control of this little one. The Lord thought of her, created her, and gave her to us to guide and direct. He doesn't just haphazardly create and let lie. He creates, nurtures, redeems, and with a tenderly father's hand he controls.

 

Zoe had her 2 week appointment today and our doctor is actually a member at our church. For 30 minutes she sat there praising our child and encouraging me. "She's so healthy and strong", "You look great for having a 2 week old", "She's a beautiful little girl", "She has incredible weight gain". And on top of that she went out of her way to make sure a mom in our church who I'm close to is checking in on me.

What an incredible reminder of God's faithfulness and care. Our Zoe is healthy, strong, growing, and beautiful. While I've been running around frantically trying to figure out how to care for her, our God has already been and continues to be at work in her life. That reminder of "God is at work" is what allows me to live in light of the gospel, to live resting in redemption, and to live knowing Jesus is King and reigns.

Lord continue to remind me of simple truths as we walk through life and take on the new task of raising Zoe, our child of life not survival.

Cam's mini replica 

Zoe Carolina Smith

So it's time to tell our little girls story -- well the story of how she came into this world. I'm having a hard time summing it all up. I think because it is one of the most eventful things that's ever happened to Cam and me. I'll bullet point so I don't start rambling...

1. After waiting and being sure Zoe would come early we awoke 5 days after her due date to be induced.
- We were excited, tired, and so ready to meet our little girl . We weren't nervous -- we trusted our doctors!

2. We arrived at the hospital around 7:45 am. After being checked they started me on a prostaglandin to get things moving. Once on this medicine we had to wait 4 hours before they could do anything else. So we waited and walked the halls (17 laps makes a mile we were told multiple times) 

3. Our doctor came back in 4 hours later and after looking at my contractions was pretty sure we would have to try another dose and wait another 4 hours. It was then that I sent out a text to just a few people to pray for this process to speed up. 5 minutes later the Doctor checked me and was ready to break my water. 

4. After 30 minutes the contractions started coming closer together and much stronger. The nurse checked me -- 5 cm. I knew my friends who had asked for an epidural waited until 7 cm and I felt weak. The nurse left and I decided it wasn't worth it to feel the pain anymore. They called the anesthesiologist in and 20 minutes later Cam and I were roaring with laughter reading Tina Fey's book Bossy Pants. 

5. We watched a movie, chatted, and read some more. I will always treasure that time after my epidural and before Zoe came. Our last couple hours together just enjoying each other without a care in the world. 

Look at the smile on that new dad's face

6. At 9:00 they told me it was time to start pushing. Cam was a champ -- really absolutely amazing! He cheered me on and coached me through a LONG hour of pushing. Finally, our Zoe Carolina entered the world at 10:07 pm. 

Be still my heart

7. She weighed 8.7 pounds and was 22 inches long! I have a feeling she'll have her daddy's physique ;)

We still aren't sure who she looks like. Anyone who has known me my whole life says she looks exactly like me, but the same is said by Cam's family about him. She's a mystery.

We headed home on Cam's birthday (January 1st) and couldn't wait to sleep in our own bed. I thought I would be terrified leaving the hospital with our new babe, but we weren't -- it just felt natural. 

Once home we were greeted by both of our parents who were an incredible help the first couple days. By day two I was already sobbing telling Cam that Zoe had taken over my life and I would never sleep, eat, or see him again. (slightly dramatic but real)

We love our Zoe, our child of life. Things have changed for our family and at times it's stressful and overwhelming. Cam and I have to be incredibly intentional and plan ahead to make sure we get time for just us. We both know that we'll never be able to love Zoe well if we don't take time away from her to enjoy just each other. 

Cam has stepped into the daddy role like a pro. He has changed three times as many diapers as me. He comes home from a long day of work and rocks our fussy babe to sleep. He feeds her from the bottle so I can have a break and grins from ear to ear as he connects with our little girl. He prays for her and over her, he watches tv with her, and he is constantly running around to get all the things we need. I couldn't do this without him and would never want to. 

We've felt so cared for since Zoe entered the world. From people visiting to keep me company to our church making us meals and our parents who were willing to hold her so Cam and I could recover. Thank you for serving us family and friends. We feel loved through your service both physically and through prayer. 

And now I get to spend my days with this little girl of life. This precious girl who has made me a mom and will continue to shape and mold me. We love you Zoe Carolina -- to the moon and back. 

Christmas preparations

One of the many things I hope and plan to do with our little girl is read the Jesus Storybook Bible. Believe it or not, this is one of the first "reformed books" I bought and read after becoming a believer in college. It's messages are so simple, yet such incredible reminders of who God is and what He's up to.

As I was driving to work the other day I was overwhelmed with excitement thinking of how soon our little girl will be here. Over the past 9 months my body, mind, heart, and house have slowly been making room for this little one and in just a few short weeks she'll actually be here! This little girl that I've so longed to meet will actually be here!

My Christmas music was blaring in the background -- as it has been since before Thanksgiving -- and I couldn't help but wonder with amazement what it must have felt like when Jesus was born. Sure, 9 months is a long time, but Israel had been waiting centuries for a savior and all of the sudden He's here as a tiny baby. The Jesus Storybook Bible puts it perfectly...

"You see, God was like a new daddy -- he couldn't keep the good news to himself. he'd been waiting all these long years for this moment, and now he wanted to tell everyone."

So as we decorate this year I feel just a little more joyful, a little more excited, and a little more anxious for Christmas to arrive. I can't wait for Cam as a new daddy to share the news with all our family and friends.

 And I'm thankful as we anxiously await our babe that our lives are changed because a sweet babe was born thousands of years ago. A babe that eventually would die for me and a babe that my sweet daughter will know about and learn to call King.

 

37 weeks and counting

 

This is a sweet ornament that a thoughtful college girl who works with me bought for us.

Love these two -- thankful we're here celebrating with them

Longing...

As I prepared for guests to come visit this weekend I couldn't help but notice the date. I reminded Cam as we made dinner that this Wednesday would be a year since our first baby died. This event has changed our lives and is such a huge part of our story as Team Smith. Most of the time we're able to share and talk with others about our loss without even a thought of tears. Not last night -- last night we both cried and felt the pain of that loss come rushing back as if it happened yesterday.

 

I remember sitting in classes at Covenant and to be quite honest being annoyed with the common phrases that emerged from professors, classmates, and friends -- phrases like "the already and not yet", "there's a tension", and "we long for ...". I wanted answers and solutions -- something tangible that I could really grasp. And now as I reflect on the loss of our sweet baby I feel the already and not yet, the tension, and the longing. Redemption has happened in our story -- I sit here now with a HUGE belly and a sweet girl full of life wiggling around. Yet the sight of that picture above brings me to tears as I long for the life of my first child. I feel the tension of celebrating this life that has been graciously given to us, and the pure pain of death that came to early. And yes, there is the already in the fact that I am with child, but the not yet in that my first babe should be here.

Part of why I love blogging is because I get to put into words all the thoughts that scroll through my head. The other part is that I have a reference of our history. I have a couple years worth of situations and seasons where I get a clear glimpse of how God has been at work in our lives. This is the part of scripture that really speaks to my "feeling" heart. Through stories I feel the promises that God has made to me and my father's fathers. Our covenant God has been redeeming for some time now and will continue until we don't have to long anymore, or feel the tension, or experience the already and not yet. He WILL heal this broken world completely some day, and until then I try to hold tight to the promises and recognize the small victories.

In my first blog about the death of our child I shared an Andrew Peterson song about the loss of a babe. Now, as I wait for tomorrow to come and go, and as I wait for our little girl to arrive, I think of this Peterson song...

God Of My Fathers

"Now we're counting stars and counting sand
Little feet and little hands
We're counting joys
We pray you'll know them
As you knew us when you wove us
As you hold us
Hold them, please hold them

Like their father, they are looking for a home
Looking for a home beyond the sea
So be their God and guide them
Till they lie beneath these hills
And let the great God of their father
Be the great God of their children,
Let the great God of my fathers
Be the great God of my children still"