My heart is heavy.

Lately I have not taken the time with our blog to truly be able to speak what's been on my heart and on our heart as a family. I am regretful for that, but at the same time know that business will more than likely get the best of me yet again.

So the title of this post... my heart is heavy. My heart is very heavy. Maybe just a few words would help -- emotional, confused, angry, peaceful, silenced, loved, comforted, disturbed, frustrated, hopeless. What a range of emotions huh?

All of this started I'm sure a while before it was really brought to light. But the thing God used to draw our attention, Cam included, was the awful news of abuse at Penn State. Even in writing this blog my entire being is filling with emotion. For an understatement of the week -- this has been hard for us. Cam and I reacted in many ways of retreating, feeling shameful, being scared, feeling unsafe, clinging, feeling needy, sitting still, crying, yelling. It has been a roller coaster. Our past two small groups were on justice/shalom and finally the Kingdom of eternity.

I know all of this sounds like word vomit and partly because it is. I can say now that Cam and I stand at a different part in the journey that includes reflection, but by no means are we "through it". We are wrestling with the fact that our prayer lives are absent. We have just about zero discipline in reading our Bibles or talking to our Heavenly Father and it is ringing loud and clear. How thankful I can say now that this was brought to light not as fatherly punishment and discipline, but rather as a Husband would tenderly draw near to His bride.

I still have all kinds of "why" questions and at times am yelling them towards that same tender God. But I can say today that my husband prayed for us before we went to bed last night. And today I started a brand new prayer journal after I sat and soaked up the wisdom of our church's Bible study. Who knows what tomorrow will bring but as I drove to work this morning I was able to sing with hope these incredible words...

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,Let this blest assurance control,That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,And hath shed His own blood for my soul

One of the most helpful pieces of wisdom we received in pre-marital counseling was the knowledge that we are continually in spiritual warfare. How quickly Satan deceives me into believing that's not true. I stand hopeful though knowing I have been given armor, and not just regular armor, but armor prepared by my God. And I rest knowing...

"The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for the thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children's children, to the third and fourth generation." (Exodus 34:6-7)

... is my LORD and will be is my shepherd all the days of my life.