Oh Happy Day

Today was a day I was thankful... am I unthankful most of the time, probably (unfortunately). But I think I'm more just in the motion of things and I don't stop very often to be thankful. I need Jesus even in the small things of life. 

Today on the outside didn't look any different than any other day, but it was. 

So instead of writing about it, here's a stream of pictures from my day.

1. Monday, January 28 -- it's 72 degrees outside!!

2. I had my camera all day! 

3. We went to the zoo -- FREE!

4. This little girl had an awesome day and was so enjoyable

5. Listening to Fran communicate her amazement with the world around her

6.  Seeing the world through her eyes

7. The sealion and sea exhibit 

8.  His honesty

9. His content

10. Her wonder

11. Being the one she wants to point everything out to

12. This picture

13. That smile and those eyes

14. Friends for her and a sweet friend for me in their mama

15. We walked to the park

16. Today I'm cool enough to be his friend

17. The fake smile, but the desire to have his picture taken

18. Her stubbornness -- while playing

19. Her dare to try new things

20. A kid who likes to get dirty

21. A walk through forest park to debrief on the day -- with a random old man who asked to take our picture for us and then asked about seminary.

22. My sweet husband. I still delight in you and I'm thankful you still do the same.

Oh St. Louis, we have our battles for sure, but I will miss so many sweet memories from my time with you.

Rufus

We fell in love with a newfoundland on our walk tonight. Meet Rufus... he's not ours.

Rufus

Soren's Birthday

Last Tuesday Cam and I had the honor of getting together with St. Louis friends to celebrate Soren. Soren and Emma are particularly special to Cam and me -- they're some of our best friends. As we prepare to leave St. Louis in just a few short months I know we'll remember our time with the Kornegays as some of the sweetest and most treasured moments of seminary.

Soren and Emma - Balloon Glow 2012

This brewery is definitely one I would recommend to those visiting St. Louis. Cam and I both said the atmosphere made you feel like it was the local place where everyone goes at the end of a work day. 

Soren

Tom and Chane - Those eyes are one in a million!

Thanks Lucy for taking pictures

Saturday Cam and I went for a walk in Forest Park. We're trying to take advantage of our perfect location in St. Louis while we can. I brought my camera to practice some of the tips I've received. 

Every since Cam went duck hunting last year our eyes have been drawn to the beauty of these birds. 

My picture

I added another goal to my dreams list on the fridge; to decorate using our own photography. Cam played around with the camera toward the end and I love his pictures. The last three are his.

Lullaby

Writing helps me process things and really clear my head. Hints why I have a blog. It's not so much about how many people or who reads it, but more for my reflection. 

This post has been one in the making for just about 2 months now. Though most of the time I can just sit down and type away -- all thoughts, emotions, responses, opinions... this one is just not the same. 

Though I want to try and hide, or tuck this tragedy away... it's there around most corners for me to stare in the face. 

So with aching in my heart and tears in my eyes -- Our very first baby died. 

The sorrow and grief that has come through the loss of our baby has been more than we've ever experienced. It's just not the way it's supposed to be. We should be finding out whether it's a boy or girl and addressing our child by their name. I should be buying bigger clothes because my body is growing and nourishing our first born. I should feel our baby moving inside me. I should look at other babies in fondness knowing ours will be here before we know it. But that's not our story and that's not the story of our first child. 

So to our child who is being cradled in Jesus' arms -- this letter is for you. This is your story for the brief time that we had you. 

Dear tutes,

How your daddy and I came up with that name, I don't even know. We just started calling you tutes and it stuck. 

In the beginning of September I went in for an ultrasound -- not because I thought we were pregnant, but because I thought something was wrong. Your daddy came with me because I'm just not very brave and your daddy gives me courage. 

And as I sat there with anxiety about what the nurse would say, she looked at me and told me "You're pregnant". She ran and got your daddy and we saw you on the screen for the first time. We cried because we were filled with so much joy! Secretly I had been praying this would be the news we would hear. We loved you from the very beginning. 

Two weeks later we saw you again and you had grown... absolutely incredible. You were making me sick through out the day. I actually threw up in the middle of a playground because I didn't expect sickness to be so sudden.

We told your grandparents and they cried with tears of joy as well. They called or texted almost every day to see how you were doing. I loved that family rallied behind you and anticipated who you were from the very beginning. 

We waited 6 more weeks to see you again because unfortunately it was expensive for us to see you on the screen. The day before thanksgiving break we called in for an earlier appointment because I couldn't wait to see you again! We were going to see Uncle Andrew and Aunt Kelly and couldn't wait to tell them and all our other friends and family about you. 

That appointment at 12 weeks was when we found out you had gone to see Jesus. Your daddy and I cried like we never have before. We loved you, hoped for you, dreamed for you, prayed for you and now we were grieving losing you. 

So two months later mommy and daddy still miss you more than words can express. I think about you at random times and wish things were different. I can't wait until your daddy and I get to see you in heaven. I can't wait to see what you look like and to hear you giggle. I can't wait to wrap my arms around you and kiss your little forehead. 

We miss you Tutes and we love you. You've changed mommy and daddy and we will never forget you. 

Love,

Mommy

This song by Andrew Peterson comforts me. Though it reminds me of sadness it also brings hope. 

Lullaby

Well, I haven't got a lot to offer 
Just a rhyme and a melody 
But I promised I'd write if it took all night 
A lullaby for thee 

CHORUS 
They say there ain't no sleeping in heaven 
Baby, that don't mean that you can't dream 
So when you close your eyes 
Know your mother and I 
Pray the Lord your soul to keep 
And we never got the chance to hold you 
And we never got to tell you goodnight 
So we hope you can hear as Jesus cradles you near 
Baby, this is your lullaby 

So are you running with the angels? 
Are you singing with the saints? 
Are you throwing a ball against a heavenly wall 
Maybe swinging on the pearly gates? 

Well there's so much love between us 
And so much that I wanna say 
I wanna ramble awhile with my beautiful child 
Baby, I can hardly wait...

We planned on sending out announcements right after thanksgiving so my sweet friend Cat took these pictures for us. We were beaming with joy! 

I made that banner all by myself and some day it will be in our nursery. 

Cam's mom bought us this cute onesie with little duck feet -- I love it!

Those last three pictures are very special to me -- the ones with just me and Cam. He's my best friend and we've held on to each other through this loss. I know one day he'll be the best daddy in the world. I can't wait to hold a child that looks and acts just like him. I can only pray we have children with his heart.

US Marshal

I have plenty of crazy days being a nanny, but today was particularly Strange (with a capital S).

Today started off with these little munchkins being home with fevers. This means we sit around all day in our pjs, watch tv, read books, and color. Relaxing for the most part, but definitely boring after a few hours.

So as I sit there feeling sorry for myself because I'm stuck inside I catch a glimpse of movement out the front window.

From here on we'll use bullet points because I get really into telling this story
- 10 Police officers surrounding the house across the street
- All officers have bullet proof vest and guns strapped to their legs
- Officers are knocking and looking into the house directly across the street
- I call Cam... he says call if anything happens
- I call Amy... same response
- Officers look over and see me looking at them
- 2 officers jog over to the house
- I freak out because they caught me snooping
- They knock and welcome themselves in
- They introduce themselves as US MARSHALS!
- They assure me its nothing to worry about -- then proceed to ask about the neighbor
- I claim I'm a nanny and they ask me to call Amy
- They talk to Amy and then leave a card with their #'s and leave
- 10 minutes later they're no where to be found

.... later that day Amy comes home.
Explanation: missed court date and fraud paperwork.
Dream on... I will update when the real story emerges.

A History

This weekend was incredibly relaxing and probably on the lazy side if I'm honest. We celebrated Cam, then our festive/celebratory attitudes carried on through out the week. Which was okay because I only worked on Thursday. (Whoo hoo for time off!)

As I was doing little things around the house like emptying our suitcases, cleaning up the living room, and making liquid soap from Pinterest -- I stumbled upon our "History" wall. And by that I mean I took the time to look at the wall and reflect upon our history as Team Smith.

The perfectionist in me immediately looks at this wall and says "it's not what I intended it to be". Funny life lessons to be learned in statements like that. Once I was able to step back and really look at our wall I was overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions. There are such incredible joys on that wall -- celebrations like 6 months of healing in counseling, Passing RUF assessment, being a part of great friend's lives, and so forth. There are also sorrows and suffering we have faced in less than two short years. These are big parts of our history thus far and I love visual reminders of it. Does it look like a 5 year old made it... yes. Does it have less notes on it than I want... yes. But it's ours and I love seeing how the Lord has and continues to work in our lives. He's healing, redeeming, rejoicing, celebrating, singing, laughing, crying, creating.... so many things over in our lives! Not perfect, but beautiful!

I also played around with my camera some. The lady who owns the house we live in, Peasy, gave us these beautiful flowers and I wanted to take advantage of using the flower setting on our camera.

Look at the detail... they're beautiful. I love that our camera can now captures the uniqueness and intricate details of these flowers. 

We were also given a beautiful orchid. Let me also take the time to say I'm terrible with plants. Actually, I just think I'm terrible with plants so I either don't have them or don't pay attention to them because I'm scared of investing in them and they still die. Plenty to be counseled about in the last sentence...

And finally the highlight of our Sunday afternoons -- PIZZA! This was our best pizza yet so I had to take another picture.