Lullaby

Writing helps me process things and really clear my head. Hints why I have a blog. It's not so much about how many people or who reads it, but more for my reflection. 

This post has been one in the making for just about 2 months now. Though most of the time I can just sit down and type away -- all thoughts, emotions, responses, opinions... this one is just not the same. 

Though I want to try and hide, or tuck this tragedy away... it's there around most corners for me to stare in the face. 

So with aching in my heart and tears in my eyes -- Our very first baby died. 

The sorrow and grief that has come through the loss of our baby has been more than we've ever experienced. It's just not the way it's supposed to be. We should be finding out whether it's a boy or girl and addressing our child by their name. I should be buying bigger clothes because my body is growing and nourishing our first born. I should feel our baby moving inside me. I should look at other babies in fondness knowing ours will be here before we know it. But that's not our story and that's not the story of our first child. 

So to our child who is being cradled in Jesus' arms -- this letter is for you. This is your story for the brief time that we had you. 

Dear tutes,

How your daddy and I came up with that name, I don't even know. We just started calling you tutes and it stuck. 

In the beginning of September I went in for an ultrasound -- not because I thought we were pregnant, but because I thought something was wrong. Your daddy came with me because I'm just not very brave and your daddy gives me courage. 

And as I sat there with anxiety about what the nurse would say, she looked at me and told me "You're pregnant". She ran and got your daddy and we saw you on the screen for the first time. We cried because we were filled with so much joy! Secretly I had been praying this would be the news we would hear. We loved you from the very beginning. 

Two weeks later we saw you again and you had grown... absolutely incredible. You were making me sick through out the day. I actually threw up in the middle of a playground because I didn't expect sickness to be so sudden.

We told your grandparents and they cried with tears of joy as well. They called or texted almost every day to see how you were doing. I loved that family rallied behind you and anticipated who you were from the very beginning. 

We waited 6 more weeks to see you again because unfortunately it was expensive for us to see you on the screen. The day before thanksgiving break we called in for an earlier appointment because I couldn't wait to see you again! We were going to see Uncle Andrew and Aunt Kelly and couldn't wait to tell them and all our other friends and family about you. 

That appointment at 12 weeks was when we found out you had gone to see Jesus. Your daddy and I cried like we never have before. We loved you, hoped for you, dreamed for you, prayed for you and now we were grieving losing you. 

So two months later mommy and daddy still miss you more than words can express. I think about you at random times and wish things were different. I can't wait until your daddy and I get to see you in heaven. I can't wait to see what you look like and to hear you giggle. I can't wait to wrap my arms around you and kiss your little forehead. 

We miss you Tutes and we love you. You've changed mommy and daddy and we will never forget you. 

Love,

Mommy

This song by Andrew Peterson comforts me. Though it reminds me of sadness it also brings hope. 

Lullaby

Well, I haven't got a lot to offer 
Just a rhyme and a melody 
But I promised I'd write if it took all night 
A lullaby for thee 

CHORUS 
They say there ain't no sleeping in heaven 
Baby, that don't mean that you can't dream 
So when you close your eyes 
Know your mother and I 
Pray the Lord your soul to keep 
And we never got the chance to hold you 
And we never got to tell you goodnight 
So we hope you can hear as Jesus cradles you near 
Baby, this is your lullaby 

So are you running with the angels? 
Are you singing with the saints? 
Are you throwing a ball against a heavenly wall 
Maybe swinging on the pearly gates? 

Well there's so much love between us 
And so much that I wanna say 
I wanna ramble awhile with my beautiful child 
Baby, I can hardly wait...

We planned on sending out announcements right after thanksgiving so my sweet friend Cat took these pictures for us. We were beaming with joy! 

I made that banner all by myself and some day it will be in our nursery. 

Cam's mom bought us this cute onesie with little duck feet -- I love it!

Those last three pictures are very special to me -- the ones with just me and Cam. He's my best friend and we've held on to each other through this loss. I know one day he'll be the best daddy in the world. I can't wait to hold a child that looks and acts just like him. I can only pray we have children with his heart.