Longing...

As I prepared for guests to come visit this weekend I couldn't help but notice the date. I reminded Cam as we made dinner that this Wednesday would be a year since our first baby died. This event has changed our lives and is such a huge part of our story as Team Smith. Most of the time we're able to share and talk with others about our loss without even a thought of tears. Not last night -- last night we both cried and felt the pain of that loss come rushing back as if it happened yesterday.

 

I remember sitting in classes at Covenant and to be quite honest being annoyed with the common phrases that emerged from professors, classmates, and friends -- phrases like "the already and not yet", "there's a tension", and "we long for ...". I wanted answers and solutions -- something tangible that I could really grasp. And now as I reflect on the loss of our sweet baby I feel the already and not yet, the tension, and the longing. Redemption has happened in our story -- I sit here now with a HUGE belly and a sweet girl full of life wiggling around. Yet the sight of that picture above brings me to tears as I long for the life of my first child. I feel the tension of celebrating this life that has been graciously given to us, and the pure pain of death that came to early. And yes, there is the already in the fact that I am with child, but the not yet in that my first babe should be here.

Part of why I love blogging is because I get to put into words all the thoughts that scroll through my head. The other part is that I have a reference of our history. I have a couple years worth of situations and seasons where I get a clear glimpse of how God has been at work in our lives. This is the part of scripture that really speaks to my "feeling" heart. Through stories I feel the promises that God has made to me and my father's fathers. Our covenant God has been redeeming for some time now and will continue until we don't have to long anymore, or feel the tension, or experience the already and not yet. He WILL heal this broken world completely some day, and until then I try to hold tight to the promises and recognize the small victories.

In my first blog about the death of our child I shared an Andrew Peterson song about the loss of a babe. Now, as I wait for tomorrow to come and go, and as I wait for our little girl to arrive, I think of this Peterson song...

God Of My Fathers

"Now we're counting stars and counting sand
Little feet and little hands
We're counting joys
We pray you'll know them
As you knew us when you wove us
As you hold us
Hold them, please hold them

Like their father, they are looking for a home
Looking for a home beyond the sea
So be their God and guide them
Till they lie beneath these hills
And let the great God of their father
Be the great God of their children,
Let the great God of my fathers
Be the great God of my children still"

The beginning of another month

I can't believe it's November already -- I know common cliche to start out a blog post, but really.

We've just been keepin on around here... wake up, go to work, come home, cook dinner, watch a show, and go to bed. Ok, our lives are that boring, but in all reality we have a pretty consistent schedule and there is some comfort in that.

We've found a great group of friends here in State College -- actually, they found us and I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am for them. Every Wednesday I go to a small group with girls around my age! Sure, on Wednesday when I'm driving home from work the last thing I want to do is go out again, but I'm always so happy coming home from just living life with these ladies. We're reading through Tim Keller's marriage book and I've loved all the different perspectives and the new things I'm learning. It's been a group of safety, vulnerability, and care -- something I've actually been praying for over the years.

We started building our crib...

Shortly after this picture we stopped our building of the crib because there were huge gashes on it! After tons of calls to target online, I finally put this crib on our registry at target, marked it as bought, and we drove to our local target to return it. Everything went smoothly (thank goodness) and we actually ended up getting a completely different crib.

Finished -- we totally had to build this twice because we did it wrong the first time

One more thing to add to the completed list. Every time there's another addition to that list I have to pause and stand in complete awe that our little girl is actually coming!

Speaking of coming... this past weekend we went to visit Jeff and Sarah again in Pittsburgh. Only this time they were a family of three instead of two! 

Sarah looks absolutely wonderful and Luke has given me unrealistic expectations for our little girl haha! He's 4 weeks old and literally did not make a peep unless he needed something. Other than that he slept or laid there completely content. 

Jeff and Sarah go to a Halloween party every year and since we were visiting we went with them. Cam and I are really bad at coming up with witty ideas for Halloween. I was so thankful when I ran into a friend and she gave us this idea. Meet Jim and Pam from the office. And to make it just a little more complicated, we were Jim and Pam dressed up for Halloween as a cat and three-hole punch Jim. Unfortunately, the party was full of hipsters who haven't watched the office yet. We still had a blast and enjoyed a weekend full of food with Jeff and Sarah. 

Other than that, life has carried on in its regular fashion. I'm growing each and every day which of course is a good thing for our child, yet a bad thing for my comfort level. I've been so thankful that sleep has come easy for me up until this point, but the complainer in me cries out "we have 7 more weeks!!!". So we take it a day at a time for now. Cam has been great at recognizing the things I'm just not very proficient at anymore. This definitely helps my pride and stubbornness of wanting to still do everything for myself. Truth is I need help and he provides it before I have to ask -- love him. 

Speaking of help, I found myself crying out to Jesus this weekend as we drove home from Pittsburgh. I feel like we already have so many decisions to make simply about how this child will enter this world -- forget about all the life choices following we will have to make for her. Lately I find myself praying that the Lord will give us hearts that quickly say I'm sorry and ask for forgiveness from our little girl. And somehow in that same vein I am able to anxiously rest knowing the Lord will provide with guidance, finances, community, and love. 

So pray for us friends in this big season of change! We couldn't be more excited for this little girl, but we need the Church -- we need YOU!