Longing...

As I prepared for guests to come visit this weekend I couldn't help but notice the date. I reminded Cam as we made dinner that this Wednesday would be a year since our first baby died. This event has changed our lives and is such a huge part of our story as Team Smith. Most of the time we're able to share and talk with others about our loss without even a thought of tears. Not last night -- last night we both cried and felt the pain of that loss come rushing back as if it happened yesterday.

 

I remember sitting in classes at Covenant and to be quite honest being annoyed with the common phrases that emerged from professors, classmates, and friends -- phrases like "the already and not yet", "there's a tension", and "we long for ...". I wanted answers and solutions -- something tangible that I could really grasp. And now as I reflect on the loss of our sweet baby I feel the already and not yet, the tension, and the longing. Redemption has happened in our story -- I sit here now with a HUGE belly and a sweet girl full of life wiggling around. Yet the sight of that picture above brings me to tears as I long for the life of my first child. I feel the tension of celebrating this life that has been graciously given to us, and the pure pain of death that came to early. And yes, there is the already in the fact that I am with child, but the not yet in that my first babe should be here.

Part of why I love blogging is because I get to put into words all the thoughts that scroll through my head. The other part is that I have a reference of our history. I have a couple years worth of situations and seasons where I get a clear glimpse of how God has been at work in our lives. This is the part of scripture that really speaks to my "feeling" heart. Through stories I feel the promises that God has made to me and my father's fathers. Our covenant God has been redeeming for some time now and will continue until we don't have to long anymore, or feel the tension, or experience the already and not yet. He WILL heal this broken world completely some day, and until then I try to hold tight to the promises and recognize the small victories.

In my first blog about the death of our child I shared an Andrew Peterson song about the loss of a babe. Now, as I wait for tomorrow to come and go, and as I wait for our little girl to arrive, I think of this Peterson song...

God Of My Fathers

"Now we're counting stars and counting sand
Little feet and little hands
We're counting joys
We pray you'll know them
As you knew us when you wove us
As you hold us
Hold them, please hold them

Like their father, they are looking for a home
Looking for a home beyond the sea
So be their God and guide them
Till they lie beneath these hills
And let the great God of their father
Be the great God of their children,
Let the great God of my fathers
Be the great God of my children still"