Our sweet heavenly babe

There has been so much going on in our lives over the past 6 months that it's hard to believe tomorrow has come upon us.

Tomorrow was our due date for our first sweet child. June 6th -- Obviously I don't know yet, but I have a feeling this day will stay sacred in our lives for a long time. Sacred -- not completely sure that's the right word I want to use, but for now it's what comes to mind.

We have learned so much about our God and about ourselves through this process. Our hearts that longed for this child and shattered too soon. God seemed so incredibly far from us and like some cruel trick had been played on us in that doctors office. The great hope and joy we had of making it through the 1st trimester to the tragedy of no heartbeat in seconds was devastating and brought up tons of questions. 

Just 6 months out which in the grand scheme of things is actually a very short amount of time --We still ache at the thought of having a heavenly child. We also have seen, and more accurately felt such a strong fatherly comfort from the Lord. We eventually recognized how much greater God's love was and is for our child and felt the tenderness of him wrapping his arms around us in tears. Cam and I reached out to community (friends and family) with great need and they beautifully cared for us each in a very special way. I will never forget how beautiful the Church felt during those initial months. 

This process has also brought the idea of adoption, to more of a plan to adopt. I'm not sure when yet, but we plan on adopting a child at some point. Not because we won't ever be able to have our own children, but more because this process has taught us so much more about our own adoption into a great heavenly family. It's made us aware of how much we treasure the idea of covenant children. I'm sure when that day comes I'll be able to expound on that a little more, but for now it's a simple fondness and desire we have. 

So in all honesty as tomorrow rolls around I'm not sure how we'll feel. I'm sure we'll have moments of sadness over remembering death instead of celebrating life. I'm sure we'll have moments of laughter as we remember 3 months of pregnancy and 6 months of growing together. We'll have moments of just sitting still and trusting in our good God who recognizes this day with us and still cares and has big things in store for us. And we'll have moments of looking to our future and how all of this plays into the greater and bigger story of the kingdom we serve. I pray the Lord will use us and use our babe's story to tear another small piece of darkness out of this world.