Christmas Tree 2015

We really wanted to cut down a tree this year -- sickness had other thoughts. After we spent 1.5 weeks inside with the girls both having RSV we decided an outing was a must. It was raining and my kids truthfully were still not quite up for an outing. So we went to Lowe's. I brought my camera and I'm so glad I did. Though there are bags of fertilizer and dead plants in the background, my people enjoyed time together picking out our first family tree. 

Our Ebenezer -- Zoe

Usually my blog is for the mundane things in our life. The things where I know the people reading can sort of fill in the blanks with their own stories of the day to day. When our girls hit major milestones and those with kiddos can smile and remember fondly the day their kids celebrated 1 year, learned to walk, started chatting... When I write about the daily difficulties of unbelief and struggle with the Christian life -- how hymns nurture my soul and others can nod their heads in agreement of being in those moments with me. I think that's it ... I enjoy writing my blog and it's easy in the moments that people are "with me". But what about when I have a rare experience?

I've only really wrote one other blog post where I felt alone and not with. The post about our first sweet child and the deep hurt and longing I felt after he/she passed. I wrestled with writing that post -- I never quite had the right words, or feared who may read my post and engage me about it. I really feared being known and out of control of who knew me. It took time -- many tears shed and many beautiful moments of people loving us through some very dark days. I'm incredibly thankful for that post that I read every year as the day rolls around when we lost our first babe.

And here we are again -- a post about truthfully when another one of my sweet children almost died.

I thought about starting a blog specifically for Zoe and her time in the hospital. A blog where I updated every day with the specific numbers that needed to change - with the prayers we had every moment. Though I know there is something lost in not having the specific details to look back on, those specific times are not what I hold onto from Z's hospital stay.

When I look back, I remember the turmoil of holding Zoe at home and wondering do we drive the hour AGAIN to the hospital. I remember getting to the hospital and sitting with my head in my hands sobbing as multiple nurses stuck Zoe, desperately trying to get the IV in her frail little body. The moment when I saw the fear in trained nurses who pushed my child to the room closest to the nurses' station and made the call to the PICU. The moment I pulled out my phone and the cynic that usually says "alerting through social media is stupid" was silent as I posted a picture asking anyone and everyone to pray for our sick Zoe. My fingers fumbling through texting as I sent out the first messages to friends and family that Zoe truly was very sick. And finally getting up to the room where I watched and listened to my child in complete anguish — I sat down and sent my purest and most vulnerable email, begging for prayer, to the listserv of woman that I usually am too insecure to bother. 

It was that first night as I laid beside Zoe’s bed and the doctor (with her own two year old girl at home) frantically worked to get something in Zoe’s body to start working, that I started facing the reality that my little girl may not make it to the next morning. That night, not one hour went by without a text or an email from someone telling me they were pleading for Zoe’s life. The holy spirit was at work that night awakening many of our people to pray and to bring Zoe before the throne of the only one who could save her. 

I will never forget the peace I felt in that hospital. My independent, cynical self who struggles to believe that God really cares, was totally stripped away. I brought Zoe to the smartest people I knew and they could do NOTHING to save her life. The dependence I had on the Lord and His people was one I hope to never forget. (Don’t hear me saying if we had stayed home Zoe would have had the same outcome. I’m so very thankful for those doctors who fought and worked hard, but the truth was medically, Zoe should not have made it.)

A friend started a fb group to pray for Zoe and I can’t begin to explain how humbling and honoring that page was for us. The sheer number of people who cared to watch Zoe’s updates and to actually pray for her was amazing. Churches all over the WORLD prayed for Zoe in their services that first Sunday we were in the hospital. Our local church was The Church in one of the most astonishing and amazing ways. They rallied around us; they prayed for us, they had others pray for us, they brought us meals, they sat with us in silence, they cried with us, they rejoiced with us — they were one of the purest pictures of Jesus and the only word I have for that is beautiful. 

The days and nights all rolled together in the hospital. Cam and I (and Zoe) were the people being lowered through the roof to Jesus and SO MANY PEOPLE were doing the lowering. All those people who wept and prayed as Zoe’s toes and fingers turned black and we were told to prepare for lost hands and feet. I’ll never forget the look on our doctor’s face as he stood there staring at Zoe’s toes for minutes, speechless, then turned and told us this is a gift and walked out of the room. And it was, she was — she was a gift, a beautiful gift from the Lord.

I’ll never forget when Cam posted the words “our doctor says death is off the table” and over 77 THOUSAND people saw that post. That my friends is redemption, darkness being torn from the world, and it was glorious!

Zoe was healed from the tips of her fingers to the tips of her toes. 

Now as I sit here trying to figure out what we’ll do for advent with the girls, I find myself truly longing to celebrate. I want to prepare my heart this year for the celebration of the babe who came to save the world. For the tiny child who was given to a dark world, from a Father who desperately wanted a way for his people to be with him. Oh what love!

During those first few nights in the hospital I kept humming “Oh Love That Will Not Let Me Go”. It was a song we sang at our wedding as the first verse really rang true then. This time it was the third verse ringing in my ears — Oh Joy that seekest me through pain, I cannot close my heart to thee. I trace the rainbow through the rain and FEEL the promise is not vain, that morn shall tearless be. I felt that promise and I felt that love. As I stared at my sweet child knowing I would do ANYTHING to take her place I was baffled that I have a heavenly Father who gave his child for us, an undeserving people. Truly, amazing love. 

And now we celebrate that gift giving of Jesus. Christmas and advent are especially sweet for us this year. Zoe has become our ebenezer (our stone of help) that we look at daily to remember the Lord’s faithfulness and graciousness to us and His people. 

The picture I’ll leave you with is one I dreamed of and longed for while we were in the hospital. Our first Sunday back at Redeemer they called us up front and the entire church started clapping for Zoe. She looked at me and said “friends mama?”. It was a little slice of heaven to hear the name of my sweet daughter being cheered because she was healed, and for her tiny heart to catch a glimpse of that love. 

Come thou long expected Jesus, born to set thy people free. 

Lucy

Quite a few months have gone by since I was last on here and there's much to catch up, but for now just a few pictures and words of our second born.

This girl steals my heart every day. Lucy is gentle with the most sincere little eyes. She simply enjoys life and being around those who love her. 

Through this whole hospital stay with Zoe, leaving Lucy was one of the hardest parts. I thought surely after not seeing her for 2 weeks it would take time to enter back in. Not at all. Those sweet round eyes stared up at me and her whole face smiled. 

She's been so patient with her big sister who is trying to figure life out right now. Lucy is Zoe's faithful companion, at times to a fault in Zoe's eyes. Our youngest member of the family who should have the most needs has care for the rest of us in so many ways. I know when I look back on these times I will remember that squishy little girl army crawling her way through the house to be with her people and to enjoy them -- and truly how much that has pushed our family through another day. 

Lucy Elouise, you're a light and a gift.

4 months -- Lucy

I'm a few days behind posting Lucy's 4 month photos. Things have been super busy this month! We moved into our new house (which I still need to take pictures of) and students have already moved on campus!

All that to say, I'm behind on Lucy's update!

Lucy is our finicky babe, but her smiles light up a room! She struggles to sleep, but she's so happy when she's awake so I guess I don't mind :). I'm crossing my fingers that we're through the 4 month sleep regression, and I may actually have a kid that takes a bink!

The girls are growing on each other. And by that I mean Lucy is growing on Zoe. haha. Zoe now wakes up every morning saying "CeCe" which means Lucy. Then she tells me "Aww baby cryin -- with a very concerned look on her face. We've also had our first of Zoe wanting to play with Lucy which meant she shoved Lucy's door open and "gently" patted her head until she woke up. Oh these girls are a handful and I wouldn't want it any other way.

We bought a double BOB back in December and I was nervous it would be a buy that was a waste of money. Not even close. The girls are in that stroller at least twice a day walking to campus with us. Being 2 blocks away has been such a sweet time for us to join Cam on campus as the fall gets going. We're thrilled our students are back and can't wait to see all of them soon!

Why my heart is sold to RUF

We have a lot of changes going on in our neck of the woods. We've been living in PA almost all summer, our sweet girls are getting older, we went to a marriage conference, we bought a house and moved into said house, we're painting and remodeling... Changes make me incredibly sentimental. If I had to take a guess as to why I'd say it's because change makes me stop and realize what I have or don't have already, and therefore what I'm gaining or losing with change.

And just when I thought this would be simply another update post on where our life is now, I realize it's so much more. This time in life feels like that moment in the Harry Potter books where you first realize the tiny details are making a story so beautiful you can't help but fall in love. (For all of you non Harry Potter people, just fill in the blank with your own book or movie that has great plot development). That moment in the movie where the main character gets a blank look on their face and you see them flashback through years of memories that brought them to this point.

Questions start developing with change: How in the world did I end up here? Who are these people with me? Where is this going? Am I going to make it?

But after a few minutes of my mind spiraling out of control, I realize there is an author in charge of my story that is giving me the most beautiful glimpses of what he's doing. And this is where my title comes in :Why my heart is sold to RUF.

8 years ago I moved 12 hours from everything I'd ever known. I moved into a dorm in the middle of nowhere South Carolina asking all of those questions above. Over the next 3.5 years I plunged myself into a campus ministry that I knew nothing about -- not because it was the flashiest or most "exciting" ministry, but because it felt like what a home should feel like. There was a campus minister whose family did life in the middle of nowhere SC because they cared about college students and they cared about the gospel. There were older students who knew my name every single time I showed up. There was music that at first totally turned me off, but eventually became the words I sang in the midst of sorrow and confusion. And most of all, this ministry taught about Jesus and His love for me. It was the first place that told me you don't have to work to be here. The first place that told me grace is free and the work you're trying to do has already been done, perfectly. This is a place for rest ... a place for those who have grown up in the church, and a place for those who are simply interested in asking questions. This is the place I became adopted as a daughter of a good King whose desire is to heal the broken and will stop at no cost to do so.

Towards the end of those 3.5 years I did as every college student does -- look for a job and plan for the future. Little did I know, that same campus ministry that stole my heart, also had a male intern who walked beside me as I learned about Jesus. He was a friend I grew to respect, and the one I found myself cheering on as he applied to seminary in hopes of doing vocational ministry. At the same time his heart grew for me and my story -- and in the jumble of a few weeks his internship ended, we started dating, and he left for seminary miles and miles away. 7 months later we were engaged, and 4 months after that we were married. Now this girl who just became a Christian 2 years prior was married to a seminarian and moving once again to a place very unknown.

We spent three years in seminary -- they were good, but such hard times. Change was happening left and right. At the end of our time in St. Louis, we eagerly applied and anxiously awaited the response from RUF. We waited in complete confusion for a year wondering did we make the right choice? Are we supposed to be doing something else? We have a tiny little girl now -- what does that mean for our future?

Fast forward a year and here we are. We moved our family to the middle of no where Tennessee for a job that we have to raise our own support to do. Why? Because our hearts our sold on what RUF is and does. My story has come full circle. We will settle into this new home where my girls will learn normal things like how to climb stairs, how to ride a bike, how to write their names... but they will also learn what it means to have college students in their home and space constantly. They will learn that daddy is out of the house 3 nights a week teaching those same students about Jesus and His love for them. They will learn that meals will be shared with others. They will learn that we travel a lot telling people about what we do and asking them to partner with us to care for those same students. They will learn how to love Jesus and do as Jesus does -- not perfectly, but beautiful messy way.

Suddenly this normal update post with pictures of the girls in our new home, has become a post of thankfulness for the details in our story and how RUF has played such a significant role through it all. I'm thankful for our little life now working for RUF and how it allows me to care for the "Kaela's" out there doing this crazy thing called college; searching for where they belong and who they belong to.

Lucy 3 months and PA summer

Shortly after Summer Conference I realized this was going to be a long summer by myself with the girls at home. Lucy has had issues (not eating, pooping, or sleeping) and I was completely overwhelmed with the thought of being by myself with the girls. So we made the decision to go to Cam's parent's house in PA. It's been really good for all of us. My in laws have helped tremendously with the girls, our friends have been great company, we've had a few date nights, and Cam has had options of where to study and prep for the semester!

Zoe is loving her time in PA. Aside from the undivided attention she gets from grandparents, she's been on many adventures around State College and is enjoying the beautiful PA summer weather. 

Cam and I have been on multiple date nights -- Seriously what a gift to these tired parents. One of our favorite past times is baseball and the very first week we were here Cam's parents watched the girls so we could have a night out watching a game. 

We've had lots of visitors since being here. Jeff and Sarah brought their little boy Luke and the bike carrier with them. Zoe's learning how to have friends ha! We love these friends of Cam's from college -- they care for us so well and are such great company.

We've had some great family time and I've even been able to start running (sloooowly). Cam's parents live on a golf course. One of Zoe's new "tricks" is to run straight for the green -- the picture below is from me returning from my run to Lucy crying and Zoe running straight for the green. So we took a selfie :)

These next couple pictures are of Lucy at 3 months. It's been pretty special to take her pictures in the same place we took Zoe's 3 month pictures. I'm slowly learning a lot from this little babe. She's been difficult from the get go (it may have something to do with having a big sister only 15 months older than her too). Since we've been in PA she's been a wonderful baby, but the lies creep in and tell me she's awful, our lives are going to be miserable forever, and I'm not worth anything since I can't even keep my babies from crying. 

This week I listened to an interview that mentioned the song "this little light of mine". The song was stuck in my head the rest of the day. So as I rocked Lucy before laying her down for a nap I subconsciously started sining this song to her.

As I realized the words I was singing (This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine -- Won't let Satan blow it out, I'm gonna let it shine) I started sobbing. Our little Lucy's name means light and those whispers that I've listened to are such lies.  The lies that I'm not good enough or Lucy isn't good enough. So this week I have started to fight for my little child of light and letting her shine.