This may sound like a silly tool, but it's been one of my most frequently used tools over the past two years.
Awareness takes time, nurture, and patience -- it takes a mind set that says this is worth looking at because right now I'm not living, I'm surviving.
In full honesty and disclosure I am an anxious person -- rephrase: I struggle with anxiety. And my anxiety hits full throttle when things feel out of control. I start "surviving" instead of "living".
Recently we've added a new member to Team Smith... and as much as I love our darling little girl, she has kicked my survival instincts into full speed. Sure, there is grace to be had in that we have a newborn and all that she entails, but that does not mean I have to live in survival mode.
I recognized my anxiety/survival mode yesterday as I dwelt on the fact that Monday was looming, Cam would return to work, and I would be alone to care for our babe. How can a person of only 13 days be so terrifying?! The tears start to flow, I lose all confidence in my decision making, and I go into robot mode of control (reading multiple baby books, searching blogs, texting all my mom friends a million times, googling every worry or fear that pops into my head)
This morning, I finally broke. I laid in bed overwhelmed, watching the monitor with my sweet sleeping girl, recognizing I will never and have never been in control of this little one. The Lord thought of her, created her, and gave her to us to guide and direct. He doesn't just haphazardly create and let lie. He creates, nurtures, redeems, and with a tenderly father's hand he controls.
Zoe had her 2 week appointment today and our doctor is actually a member at our church. For 30 minutes she sat there praising our child and encouraging me. "She's so healthy and strong", "You look great for having a 2 week old", "She's a beautiful little girl", "She has incredible weight gain". And on top of that she went out of her way to make sure a mom in our church who I'm close to is checking in on me.
What an incredible reminder of God's faithfulness and care. Our Zoe is healthy, strong, growing, and beautiful. While I've been running around frantically trying to figure out how to care for her, our God has already been and continues to be at work in her life. That reminder of "God is at work" is what allows me to live in light of the gospel, to live resting in redemption, and to live knowing Jesus is King and reigns.
Lord continue to remind me of simple truths as we walk through life and take on the new task of raising Zoe, our child of life not survival.
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| Cam's mini replica |
So sweet. What a lucky girl she is to have parents that will teach her of and point her to Christ. And it is totally okay to survive for the first little bit, especially on no sleep. A friend of mine brought over paper plates and plasticware, and I was a little confused at first, but it was a lifesaver to not have to do dishes. It doesn't last forever, the craziness or the smallness, so it's ok to let a few things go, make some adjustments, and just love on Zoe. Before you know it, it will all become second nature. Love you, Kaela! You're the best!
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