Christmas preparations

One of the many things I hope and plan to do with our little girl is read the Jesus Storybook Bible. Believe it or not, this is one of the first "reformed books" I bought and read after becoming a believer in college. It's messages are so simple, yet such incredible reminders of who God is and what He's up to.

As I was driving to work the other day I was overwhelmed with excitement thinking of how soon our little girl will be here. Over the past 9 months my body, mind, heart, and house have slowly been making room for this little one and in just a few short weeks she'll actually be here! This little girl that I've so longed to meet will actually be here!

My Christmas music was blaring in the background -- as it has been since before Thanksgiving -- and I couldn't help but wonder with amazement what it must have felt like when Jesus was born. Sure, 9 months is a long time, but Israel had been waiting centuries for a savior and all of the sudden He's here as a tiny baby. The Jesus Storybook Bible puts it perfectly...

"You see, God was like a new daddy -- he couldn't keep the good news to himself. he'd been waiting all these long years for this moment, and now he wanted to tell everyone."

So as we decorate this year I feel just a little more joyful, a little more excited, and a little more anxious for Christmas to arrive. I can't wait for Cam as a new daddy to share the news with all our family and friends.

 And I'm thankful as we anxiously await our babe that our lives are changed because a sweet babe was born thousands of years ago. A babe that eventually would die for me and a babe that my sweet daughter will know about and learn to call King.

 

37 weeks and counting

 

This is a sweet ornament that a thoughtful college girl who works with me bought for us.

Love these two -- thankful we're here celebrating with them

Longing...

As I prepared for guests to come visit this weekend I couldn't help but notice the date. I reminded Cam as we made dinner that this Wednesday would be a year since our first baby died. This event has changed our lives and is such a huge part of our story as Team Smith. Most of the time we're able to share and talk with others about our loss without even a thought of tears. Not last night -- last night we both cried and felt the pain of that loss come rushing back as if it happened yesterday.

 

I remember sitting in classes at Covenant and to be quite honest being annoyed with the common phrases that emerged from professors, classmates, and friends -- phrases like "the already and not yet", "there's a tension", and "we long for ...". I wanted answers and solutions -- something tangible that I could really grasp. And now as I reflect on the loss of our sweet baby I feel the already and not yet, the tension, and the longing. Redemption has happened in our story -- I sit here now with a HUGE belly and a sweet girl full of life wiggling around. Yet the sight of that picture above brings me to tears as I long for the life of my first child. I feel the tension of celebrating this life that has been graciously given to us, and the pure pain of death that came to early. And yes, there is the already in the fact that I am with child, but the not yet in that my first babe should be here.

Part of why I love blogging is because I get to put into words all the thoughts that scroll through my head. The other part is that I have a reference of our history. I have a couple years worth of situations and seasons where I get a clear glimpse of how God has been at work in our lives. This is the part of scripture that really speaks to my "feeling" heart. Through stories I feel the promises that God has made to me and my father's fathers. Our covenant God has been redeeming for some time now and will continue until we don't have to long anymore, or feel the tension, or experience the already and not yet. He WILL heal this broken world completely some day, and until then I try to hold tight to the promises and recognize the small victories.

In my first blog about the death of our child I shared an Andrew Peterson song about the loss of a babe. Now, as I wait for tomorrow to come and go, and as I wait for our little girl to arrive, I think of this Peterson song...

God Of My Fathers

"Now we're counting stars and counting sand
Little feet and little hands
We're counting joys
We pray you'll know them
As you knew us when you wove us
As you hold us
Hold them, please hold them

Like their father, they are looking for a home
Looking for a home beyond the sea
So be their God and guide them
Till they lie beneath these hills
And let the great God of their father
Be the great God of their children,
Let the great God of my fathers
Be the great God of my children still"

The beginning of another month

I can't believe it's November already -- I know common cliche to start out a blog post, but really.

We've just been keepin on around here... wake up, go to work, come home, cook dinner, watch a show, and go to bed. Ok, our lives are that boring, but in all reality we have a pretty consistent schedule and there is some comfort in that.

We've found a great group of friends here in State College -- actually, they found us and I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am for them. Every Wednesday I go to a small group with girls around my age! Sure, on Wednesday when I'm driving home from work the last thing I want to do is go out again, but I'm always so happy coming home from just living life with these ladies. We're reading through Tim Keller's marriage book and I've loved all the different perspectives and the new things I'm learning. It's been a group of safety, vulnerability, and care -- something I've actually been praying for over the years.

We started building our crib...

Shortly after this picture we stopped our building of the crib because there were huge gashes on it! After tons of calls to target online, I finally put this crib on our registry at target, marked it as bought, and we drove to our local target to return it. Everything went smoothly (thank goodness) and we actually ended up getting a completely different crib.

Finished -- we totally had to build this twice because we did it wrong the first time

One more thing to add to the completed list. Every time there's another addition to that list I have to pause and stand in complete awe that our little girl is actually coming!

Speaking of coming... this past weekend we went to visit Jeff and Sarah again in Pittsburgh. Only this time they were a family of three instead of two! 

Sarah looks absolutely wonderful and Luke has given me unrealistic expectations for our little girl haha! He's 4 weeks old and literally did not make a peep unless he needed something. Other than that he slept or laid there completely content. 

Jeff and Sarah go to a Halloween party every year and since we were visiting we went with them. Cam and I are really bad at coming up with witty ideas for Halloween. I was so thankful when I ran into a friend and she gave us this idea. Meet Jim and Pam from the office. And to make it just a little more complicated, we were Jim and Pam dressed up for Halloween as a cat and three-hole punch Jim. Unfortunately, the party was full of hipsters who haven't watched the office yet. We still had a blast and enjoyed a weekend full of food with Jeff and Sarah. 

Other than that, life has carried on in its regular fashion. I'm growing each and every day which of course is a good thing for our child, yet a bad thing for my comfort level. I've been so thankful that sleep has come easy for me up until this point, but the complainer in me cries out "we have 7 more weeks!!!". So we take it a day at a time for now. Cam has been great at recognizing the things I'm just not very proficient at anymore. This definitely helps my pride and stubbornness of wanting to still do everything for myself. Truth is I need help and he provides it before I have to ask -- love him. 

Speaking of help, I found myself crying out to Jesus this weekend as we drove home from Pittsburgh. I feel like we already have so many decisions to make simply about how this child will enter this world -- forget about all the life choices following we will have to make for her. Lately I find myself praying that the Lord will give us hearts that quickly say I'm sorry and ask for forgiveness from our little girl. And somehow in that same vein I am able to anxiously rest knowing the Lord will provide with guidance, finances, community, and love. 

So pray for us friends in this big season of change! We couldn't be more excited for this little girl, but we need the Church -- we need YOU!

And the nesting begins

27 Weeks

As you can see, things are a changing... and growing! Our Smithling is moving all over the place -- in the back of my mind I can't help but think she will be exactly the same when she's here in person -- an active little girl who never meets a stranger. And yes my belly button is showing through my clothing now -- I love it haha!

 

This past weekend my MIL and SIL threw me a baby shower and it was wonderful! So much family, a good friend from high school, and sweet new friends from State College. I wish I had taken more pictures -- then again I'm glad I wasn't stuck behind my camera and was able to enjoy all the people who came to celebrate our little girl. I loved all the decorations, the food was delicious, and the guests made it a blast with their competitiveness during the games.

 

I still have a lot of maneuvering to do in her room, but I was so overwhelmed with thankfulness on Sunday while I unpacked all the gifts we received. I really struggle to simply trust -- my friends, family, the Lord... you name it. And though I continue to try and fight for joy in celebrating this little girl I still can't quite let myself believe she's actually coming. Since our miscarriage I keep trying to prepare for the worst and it kills my hope and joy.

 

This weekend while I unpacked all the little outfits, the tiny tub, the stroller, the play yard, her diapers and wipes, the pacifiers, and her bottles -- gift after gift and I finally teared up. These things are real and they're for the growing little girl that WILL be here soon. I'm thankful for these little milestones that remind me God wants to give us this precious gift. It's a reminder to trust that the Lord is good and a humbling experience as I recognize how many people are already celebrating her!

 

That Ergo in the stroller is one of my favorite gifts so far. I can't wait to carry our little Smithling around with me as I run around town, clean the house, or cook dinner.

Treats and a trip to Pittsburgh

Let's just start off by saying... I LOVE presents. I love presents of any shape, size, or value -- candy bars, letters in the mail, silly impractical things, or something I've been eyeing for a while. I love that it means someone thought about me and wants to show it. I love the physical representation and reminder of "Hey, I care about you."This can be really encouraging to my husband or a total let down when I respond with the same extreme excitement at the treat he brought home from the grocery store, or the expensive Christmas gift he planned and saved for all year. 

This week we were showered with presents! When I came home and saw these HUGE boxes on our front porch I made Cam stop everything just so I could open them!

These gifts that came in the mail and online this week have an extra special feel to them. As Cam and I have moved to what feels like 50 bajillion places over the past 2.5 years we have gained and lost community along the way. I think I feel this particularly heavy right now because we're expecting a new family member that so many people along the way have prayed for with us. And though they continue to pray and ask from a far, it was good to receive little tangible pieces of them this week. This little girl is so loved already and as an expecting mama that is beyond humbling and comforting. So thanks friends for loving us and for anticipating our little girl with that same great love. 

This weekend we went to visit some dear friends of ours in Pittsburgh. Cam has been friends with Jeff and Sarah since college, but my friendship started with them just 2 short years ago. This year Sarah and I are sharing the expectation of a little one which has been such a gift. I've loved sharing and exchanging all things babies -- and secretly I'm thankful they are 11 weeks ahead of us because she preps me well. 

We were welcomed with such generous gifts for our stomachs and for the Smithling. This is the first I've actually seen of the diapers we'll be using in 3 short months!! I love them -- they're tiny, adorable, and not filled with poop right now :).

We took our first trip to IKEA and it was a blast. We bought a couple little goodies that I wish I had taken a picture of -- I'm sure they'll show up on here soon enough. 

And finally for my 25 week pictures I added a friend. 

Sarah 36 weeks and me at 25 weeks

A crazy thing called life

We are moved into State College and life is in full throttle! Cam and I are trying to faithfully serve each of our jobs as we venture into two people working full time. Were thankful and excited to start life here!

Before I started my job I had time to work on some furniture that will be in our home someday... Unfortunately this is the only one I took a picture of...and it's in the dirty garage :)

Our new coffee table

 

We've been so thankful for our few friends here who have invited us over and introduced us to new friends! Community is something we're so longing for and these get togethers are such a blessing.

This past weekend Cam and I drove to a near by lake to work on his boss' lake house. They also treated us to wonderful food, a great boat ride, and a pedicure for me!!

 

 

Our little girl sure is growing and I love seeing her in our pictures!

 

Speaking of our little girl -- here are a few gift we got from Aunt Emma and Uncle Soren (really Emma haha) An "S" bow, a FSU bow and cute little bloomers! She's so loved already

 

And finally a 22 week picture before we headed off to church. 

Home of the Nittany Lions and team smith?

Like I said earlier, Cam and I made a trip up the East coast to visit friends and family while we had the extra time.

We decided before summer that we would focus on job searching and not get temporary jobs in Leesburg. That meant we would need a job by the end of August. After MANY interviews and applications for associate/assistant pastor positions we were once again feeling uncertain about what to do and where to go next.

As we sat in State College with my in-laws we looked at every resource we knew that was posting jobs for ministry -- all of them with start dates of November, December, or January. No good. So Cam went for a run and I went out back on the porch -- both feeling overwhelmed/anxious and both really just needing to talk to the Lord. I desperately needed and still need to be reminded of God's promises of provision and guidance.

Cam and I have been provided for in really amazing ways! When we got married a couple offered their house to us with only electric to pay. Not even a week after that ended we were living in free housing in one of the most beautiful locations of St. Louis. A week after I moved to St. Louis I was offered a job at the dentist office to be trained on site. 6 months later Zac and Amy gave me a job loving on sweet Fran -- a job that couldn't have been more perfect for me. Cam had a scholarship to school, our parents have both gifted us with cars, and of course we are privileged and to the moon excited for this sweet little girl that is the best gift of all.

You'd think after ALL of that we'd remember how the Lord has provided for us -- and eventually by God's grace we do time and time again.

Within a weeks time Cam has been offered a job that shows great potential doing subcontracting and I was offered a job at Chick-fil-a (my absolute favorite) that shows potential even after our baby! Once again I'm amazed by God's provision for us.

So for now, we are calling State College, PA home and we couldn't be more excited.

Here are some pictures from small hikes in the area

Summer vaca up the east coast

A week before we left for South Carolina for Grace and Ashton's wedding, Cam and I decided we wanted to keep on going! I wish I had taken at least one picture in each place, but alas I didn't.

Stops:
1. Savannah, GA to visit Soren and Emma
2. Charleston, SC to visit Tim and Jannalyn -- adorable new house
3. Surfside beach, SC for Grace and Ashton's wedding -- such a fun celebration

4. Blacksburg, VA to visit Andrew and Kelly -- no pictures with Andrew and Kelly unfortunately

We spent a day walking around Virginia Tech and the next day canoeing down the river (probably a story we'll be telling for a long time)

5. Washington DC to visit Kristy and the Tukes

6. Philly for a quick visit to see Jeff and Sarah -- thankful for this time both expecting our first! Sarah is due October 11th and we're due December 25th

7. We're wrapping the trip up with a week in State College with the in-laws.

Loving this time to see so many friends from different parts of our lives. We've been incredibly thankful for the hospitality that each one of them have shown us.